Happy Valentine

Rape

Rape is not rape is not rape is not rape. 

Not all rapes are equal.

Watching the cat fight that broke out between two women, feminists, that ought to stand on the same side and pull in the same direction, was truly disconcerting. My objections to the exchange between Jaclyn Friedman and Naomi Wolf have nothing whatsoever to do with my support of Julian Assange in his attempt at exposing the underhandedness of the big players. I want to be clear, rape is a very serious matter and needs to be investigated and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I want to add that anyone insisting on unprotected sex with a stranger is an asinine, selfish idiot, and those giving in to such unreasonable demands are not much better!

This said, the "very effective smear campaign" as Assange calls it, in light of what we can understand off posts on the net, just does not add up, does not even warrant the word rape, as most of us (maybe Swedes excluded) understand what constitutes such a sexual violation. The two women after having bragged about their contest on-line supposedly, and after having found out that Assange had slept with them both and put them both at risk, showed up at the police to request help in getting Assange tested (not arrested) for STDs. It was the police that suggested rape charges. And lo and behold in Sweden a man can be charged for rape if he stands naked behind a sex partner in an attempt to 'negotiate' intercourse. By the way humans are the only animal that will negotiate sexual relations (Leonard Slain.) The charges had been dropped only to be taken up again at a most opportune moment. Strange indeed. For 5 weeks Assange had stayed in Sweden to deal with the matter and finally left the country with full consent of the authorities. He was never on the run, in fact had offered himself up to the authorities again in London, only to be held for 10 days in isolation! Outrageous. Meanwhile US authorities are looking in to the important matters of making up charges for the guy, no doubt happy to have him out of circulation for the moment.

Rape is such a serious offense. One that evokes ideas of brutality and debilitating victimization. Yet rape can have more of a seductive, rather then brutal quality, still it is rape. But rape has to be distinguished from normal adult negotiations of sexual relations. True an adult in an altered state, be it through drugs, alcohol, sleep, or even massage is in a seriously weakened position for negotiations. Initiating sex with a sleeping partner is not rape in my book. Excluding altered states from normal human interactions is ludicrous. Next we have to sign contracts on paper before sex each and every time. Women are not little weak and meek creatures at the mercy of men.

Enough already with all this political correctness. A woman has to carry the responsibility of her choices. If she chooses to have sex with a stranger, sleep with the stranger, should she really be surprised if there is renewed demand for more of the same? If a woman can not say NO to a man, can not say NO to unprotected sex, can not say NO repeatedly and say NO with the whole of her body so as there to be no mistake in her intent, she has no business being alone with a stranger in a compromising, potentially volatile situation. Sure, most women that have been around the block have made their mistakes, maybe have some regrets, but is this cause for prosecution and hanging a guy up by his balls? Now in all this I assume there has been no brutality, playful wrestling and such excluded. Any situation that escalates to serious violation of the nature of brutal rape must be prosecuted, for the benefit of all involved, and those potential future victims.

Jaclyn Friedman's demand for sexual partners to be "enthusiastic" is amusing at best, ridiculous at worst and far from the real world of so many. The vehemence in her defense of the supposed victims is very characteristic of one that is recovering from abuse and as so often, does go overboard. That's o.k., I can dismiss such as growing pains.

Julian Assange, a rising star in the progressive world, may conveniently not have been aware of the power he holds, or rather the social status he had achieved, at least likely in the minds of those two women that attended his workshop. Power differentials can wreck havoc in sexual relations be it between workshop leader and participant, teacher and student, guru and sanyasin, therapist and client or goddess forbid parent and child. We can observe again and again how the ones in power magnanimously bestow their gift, their attention and all too often their sexuality to the admirers, feeling no sense of wrong doing. Soon they will move on to bigger and better opportunities only to leave behind trails of broken hearts, shattered expectations, false promises and dashed hopes. It is never a pretty sight. And likely they will never look back.

We all really do not know what happened except Julian Assange has very effectively been linked in our minds to atrocious crimes of a vile sexual nature of which bits and pieces are now cemented in our impressionable gray matter. We respond emotionally either for the WikiLeaks hero or against the accused male rapist. Timing is not everything, synchronicity does happen. While it stinks, give it some time and space, let the dust settle and really give those women the tests on STDs they wanted all along. Time will tell if this is and should be a proper legal matter or rather should have stayed all along in the interpersonal realm. But let us not cry out for Julian's head, or balls as it may be, before even charged with a crime, much less found guilty. And let us not play him in to the hands of big powers out to get him and prevent him from the important work he has been doing. Important because as Michael Moore said, and I agree whole heartedly, the US has deceived us in to one war, toppled Saddam for the absolute wrong reasons and in so doing lost our good will and should have been on probation so to say ever since, with the light shining bright on US international affairs in particular.

If this sordid matter brings the issue of rape more in to the public domain  for education and clarification, then maybe something good can come out of this and rape can be taken seriously and can be prosecuted with renewed vigor and conviction, even in Sweden. I though doubt we will see frequent Interpol searches for the garden variety local rapist in the near future.

If I have not stated my points clear enough, please forgive me, maybe Bianca Jagger's thoughts on this matter will prove more helpful. Watch one of the very best interviews with Julian Assange here.

To Shame Or Not Is My Question?

I just happened to come upon this interesting article. It says Sweden cut prostitution in half over the last 10 years, not seemingly by further criminalization and neither by stiffening their penalties, fines have been kept rather low, but by public exposure of the buyers of sex services and economic support and education for the sex workers. Could or should public shaming be an answer? 

Locally, one of our judges shamed inmates with the wearing of color coded hats that exposed the nature of their offenses to the general public during their community service, like the picking up of litter along our main drag. The judge got in to hot water for keeping lousy records, maybe falsifying some, and steering income to her helper in court, so the hats did not last long enough to deduce their effect. The judge, not a lawyer, has since moved on to become a beautician and avoided a future as a check-out girl at Safeway (worries the lady expressed in one of her interviews after her fall from grace.) I like to add that this very same judge saved me from a steep fine, received during an all out effort to reduce speeding with traps, and instead got me in to a defensive driving course which impressed me a lot more then any fine ever would have and got me to watch my speed closely ever since.

Could or should a society resort to shame as a means of keeping it's members in check?
Up until now my understanding of shame was to drive whatever the it might be in to the psychological shadows, out of sight, but not necessarily out of mind (in the spirit of Bradshaw's toxic shame.) I am no fan of suppression or the splitting off of psychological aspects of one's personality. And I have little tolerance for the shame induced by religious doctrines, especially when their leaders lead lives too often of excesses and secrecy. 

But I wonder if today's modern society allowed boundaries of right and wrong to become too permeable? Could shaming offer guidance in the judgment of what is right from what is wrong? Craigslist took out their adult service section or sex ads and left a banner that says "Censored". Personally I was glad to hear that news. Human trafficking and child porn are wrong not to mention killing. The guy that killed a massage therapist he contacted on craigslist was to face trial, but suicided and yes, spared in doing so a whole lot of expense to society. I loath the proximity of such perverts, deviants, sickos when I scour Craigs listings. 

As a society how do we balance personal freedom with protecting the vulnerable? Of course there are those that want no one to interfere with what adults chose to do with other adults, least of all the government. Freedom reigns supreme to them, maybe to me too.

But I am reminded of myself in my late teens smoking downstairs, waiting for my audition with the guru, the teacher, yes, it was the early seventies. I was introduced to Asanas, yoga positions. The guy, the guru's helper, a ruddy, orange haired and rosy cheeked Austrian with bright blue eyes and freckles, expressed such dismay over my supposed lack of flexibility, mostly with his eyes and maybe a few disapproving grunts or some such, that when I walked away from that experience I had lost my appetite for smoking, just like that! Cigarettes were never mentioned. But somehow I was very effectively shamed in to making a very good and healthy decision and that not just for myself but the world at large. (Imagine the pollution from 1 pack of Gaulloise a day less in the atmosphere, not to speak of the likely health costs I might have burdened my community with.)

I hate making decisions, don't trust I can stick with any of them, so avoid them. But the humiliation somehow got to me, convinced me, to do the 'right' thing. I am so grateful that now as an older adult I do not have to struggle with the breaking of a smoking addiction. I am grateful to the guy that showed me his disdain. In fact I happened to come upon him a few years later in Amsterdam and we had a very amicable exchange, where I was able to thank him for the profound effect he had upon me.

I wonder if modern society just has lost a sense of accountability. Boundaries have become too permeable, right and wrong have become too exchangeable, wrong too easily justified, or tolerated. As an adult I am no longer welcome to connect to a kid of strangers. The saying that it takes a village to raise a kid has no meaning in our modern society. I am not to interfere with a parent's right. The effect must be that kids are never exposed any more to approval or disapproval from strangers and society at large. To not appear too simplistic I link this article, sorry in German, because it  laments idiotic statements of strangers to mothers and lists the 15 top annoying or weirdest ones in opposition of what I just wrote above.

I love my friend Emily, the only one that actually will respond to my dogs and treat them at opportune moments as if they were hers, corrects them, relates to them and does not wait for me to mediate between them. I love that. It is rare these days. Only today I came upon a young kid smoking a cigar while walking his dog at the park. In a friendly tone I congratulated him on choosing the open space to smoke (I endured cigar smoke from an inconsiderate jerk in a crowded small dance space.) I did want him to know though that I did not approve of smoking, that I knew and I hoped he knew about the ill effects of smoke to his lungs and health in general. Of course he has his choices, but I too have my opinions and I chose to express them. Partially in hopes that like for me, someone just may feel an effect, an impulse for the better for themselves and the world at large.

The truth is we do have an effect upon each other, we are so permeable and what we do or do not do causes ripples all around us. We can not escape our interconnectedness, cognizant of such or not. I believe in openness and  civilized expression of self to others.  

I am still not sure about there being a role or not for shame in a modern, psychologically enlightened society? Maybe my generation, us Hippies, threw the baby out with the bath water? In our attempt to cast the shame of our childhoods, off our backs, and out of our marrow, we may have neglected an aspect of social consciousness important to all civilizations?

My Indian facebook friend Manav contemplated along similar lines, at roughly the same time from the perspective of a different culture: .."guilt is a normal and natural reaction to us giving ourselves pleasure at someone else's expense..." That has the ring of truth, doesn't it?

Wanting to please ourselves is most natural to all organisms. While dogs may look guilty to us under our disapproving eyes, science has proven they feel no such thing. Guilt is not part of the canine vocabulary, and shame should not be part of the human experience. I guess because shame implies that we in our being, rather then in our actions, are bad. We can change our behavior, but we can not change who we are. We really have to eradicate this kind of toxic guilt. Good psychotherapy goes at the root of such, was made to remedy such and free us, thanks to Freud and Jung and all those that followed.

So how come the Swedes, a sexually liberated society we are told, feel guilty about paying for sex? How come public humiliation worked in the effort of curbing prostitution? Questions well worth pondering, what do you think?

Sex - Abuse - Massage

Once again massage therapy is linked to sex, this time in an article of our local New Mexican, where it says that massage led to sexual assault. 39 year old Marcial Zapata looks rather scary, certainly scruffy and not exactly trust worthy in his mug shot. Another male accused of the abuse of a female. Inappropriate touch is never excusable, yet sadly still rampant. My sympathies always lie with the victim.

Still, what gets me is that "the woman said she began feeling uncomfortable when Zapata's hands began sliding up the baggy shorts she wore." I say, if you are not comfortable getting a professional massage in the nude, covered only by a sheet or towel, get seated bodywork, or get the services of an Acupuncturist or Chiropractor, neither requires a state of undress. The fact that the woman wore shorts, and baggy ones on top, speaks volumes. Would we all learn to listen to our intuitions and take actions accordingly.

There are very legitimate reasons to therapeutically work on and all around the butt. For people to take offense because a professional bodyworker pulls their pantie below the sacrum is ludicrous and really hampers effective therapy. It speaks of a society steeped still in feeling prudish, unbecoming in this day and age. The times when a glance at a ladies wrist or ankle set a male in to ecstatic musings are long gone. Professional, therapeutic bodywork has constantly to contend with prudish, moral, religious and culturally based taboos. Any bodyworker worth his salt, or your money, knows how patterns of stress repeat themselves and knows of the importance of maybe touching the feet to relief a headache, maybe working the Glutes to address tight shoulders and neck. For God-dess sake, if you are uncomfortable speak up, if you don't understand, ask!

As a professional bodyworker for almost 3 decades I have had to contend with inconvenient underwear often. While current ethic laws suggest, maybe demand that we do not slide our hands under the coverings of a client's choosing, I have done so many times. Nobody ever stormed out of my practice because of pulling a pantie down so I can address the oh so very important sacral tip, the coccyx at the very end of a spin. Often though I had to explain my intent which always I was more then happy to do.

While real abuse happens and may have happened in this reported case, the details were not forth coming, some abuse may be a figment of the victim's imagination. Everything hinges on trust which is maintained only in an on-going effort at communication. We can give trust in an instant and lose it just as fast. Misunderstandings might be just as rampant as actual abuse I would venture to say!

The woman here had come back to this unregistered, unlicensed supposed 'healer' for the third time. He must have done her some good for her to have returned to him twice. License is no guarantee for quality of treatment. Neither is price, but $40 is very low for a massage, unless given by a student. 

So how do we know if any given practitioner is legit, able, capable and professional? Offering his diagnosis clearly put him outside legal parameters. Massage Therapists are not allowed to diagnose, period. I have offered my professional, educated estimation of what might help in addressing any one symptom and often was rewarded in being right on the money, or right about 'the issues in the tissues.' There are very few bodyworkers though that actually know how to palpate and rearrange organs. I have never been one of them. So I would know nothing of a diagnosis of "a dropped uterus." Correcting the positions of organs can be legitimate and possible, but should be offered only by a highly trained professional. We can always go for a second opinion, we can check the registries, but ultimately we have to rely on our intuition and ability to take matters in our own hands. We have to learn to know when anyone crosses our boundaries and then respond appropriately. We have to learn to not give our power to another, even while we are down and they are towering over us.

This guy, Marcial Zapata, may be a creep, may have taken blatant advantage of a woman in a vulnerable physical and psychological position, which would be reprehensible. Please remember though, no stoning of those not yet proven guilty, neither of those found guilty and certainly not of the innocent. Those times have passed. (At least they are long gone in our western world, while sadly in some places like Iran they still are alive and well.) We no longer throw the victims to the lions, but one would not know reading the comments in the blogosphere.

What irks me are those Puritans that cry foul play when they understand nothing about the art of bodywork or massage therapy, the wonders that can unfold, the depth of experiences that can be had and the freedom that can be felt after having shed a life time's worth of armoring and hiding behind social dos and don'ts.